


It's Not Hate

by mirror_cannibal



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: (for now but I might continue it), (idfk), Angst, Comforting, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, Izaya's plans, Kissing, Kissing in the Rain, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Plans, Rain, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, no wait the summary is, ok whatever here we go, tagging is the worst part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 18:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8633965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirror_cannibal/pseuds/mirror_cannibal
Summary: Shizuo was looking at the sky, but when he heard the raven's footsteps through the puddles, he slowly lowered his head to meet the red gaze. "Oh," Shizuo said, "I was waiting for you."
"I know," Izaya answered, holding the knife up before him and watching the rain slip down the smooth metal. Making a sudden decision, he tossed the blade to the side. The sound of the metal hitting the pavement of the street was lost in the roar of the rain.
"What was that, flea?" Shizuo's voice had no emotion, even though Izaya could see his usual pent-up anger in his brown eyes. "Now you have no weapon. I could kill you, you know."
"I know," Izaya said again, spreading his arms, showing that he was defenseless. "Then do it."
[Another fic taken from my ffn account 'cause I realized I forgot to cross-post half the stuff on there]





	

The sky was dark, clouds layering over clouds and blocking out the natural light. Izaya stood on the roof of a tall building, holding his arms out as the wind ripped through him. He leaned his head back, breathing in the smell of the soon coming rain. He glanced out at the sprawling city before him, then down at the street far below him.

The wind was getting stronger, almost making him lose his balance as he hopped from one foot to the other on the edge of the roof. It tore through him, chilling him to the bone—to the heart. He started to laugh, stretching his arm out over the long fall below him, feeling the first drops of rain hit the bare skin of his hand.

_I need someone to play with,_ Izaya thought to himself, skipping away from the edge. _Maybe if I can find that monster, he'll satisfy this scene._

  


* * *

  


Shizuo squinted up at the sky. "Tch," he muttered, "smells like rain." Just as the thought passed his lips, he felt a drop hit his nose, then another on his cheek. _Plop. Plop._ Slowly but surely it sped up, until the whole road was a roar of individual rain drops smacking the pavement.

Shizuo stood still on the sidewalk, feeling the rain attacking him, soaking into him, making him shiver. _I can't move,_ he thought dumbly, raising his face to feel the drops on his skin. _I'm so angry. I don't even know why._

He clenched his fist, holding himself together. _I need to vent this anger on something…someone…where's that flea?_

  


* * *

  


It didn't take long to find the blond, standing still on the sidewalk as the rain ravaged him. Izaya had left his coat behind, which was unlike him, but he wanted to feel the water on his skin, the forceful punch of each drop. He stood in front of Shizuo now, holding a single blade in his right hand.

Shizuo was looking at the sky, but when he heard the raven's footsteps through the puddles, he slowly lowered his head to meet the red gaze. "Oh," Shizuo said, "I was waiting for you."

"I know," Izaya answered, holding the knife up before him and watching the rain slip down the smooth metal. Making a sudden decision, he tossed the blade to the side. The sound of the metal hitting the pavement of the street was lost in the roar of the rain.

"What was that, flea?" Shizuo's voice had no emotion, even though Izaya could see his usual pent-up anger in his brown eyes. "Now you have no weapon. I could kill you, you know."

"I know," Izaya said again, spreading his arms, showing that he was defenseless. "Then do it."

With a growl, Shizuo leapt forward, his shoes smacking through puddles and his body flashing through the rain and he was at Izaya's throat. "What, do you want to die or something?" Shizuo's voice was still devoid of emotion, but Izaya knew he wasn't kidding. He _would_ kill him. _This is it._

"Maybe I do," Izaya sang, "maybe I don't. Either way, you'll never find out, 'cause I'll never be able to bother you again!" He let out a laugh at the end, feeling Shizuo's hand around his neck.

  


* * *

  


Shizuo hesitated. _I could kill him right now, and end this. I could get rid of this bastard, and I'd probably save a lot of people._ Somehow, though, something was stopping him. _He wants to die…that much is obvious; unless he's just taunting me. So if I do kill him…would it even be my win?_ Shizuo fought the urge to let out a harsh laugh at the irony. _In the end, he's set it up so that he'll still be victorious no matter what. That's just like him._

"You bastard," Shizuo growled, tightening his grip angrily. "Now I can't kill you."

"Oh?" Izaya narrowed his red eyes, his next words hard to hear over the rain. "And why is that?"

"'Cause you'd still win," Shizuo felt a twitch start in his left eye. _What the hell am I doing…it doesn't matter, I could still kill him, why am I hesitating? This is so stupid. I've never cared about things like this._

Izaya laughed again, his eyes flashing, reflecting the rain. "I didn't know Shizu-chan was competitive like that…ok, then what if I fought back? Is that the only way you're able to say you'll kill me? Or are you just unwilling to do it? Huh, Shizu-chan?" Izaya lifted an arm, placing his fingers lightly on the side of Shizuo's neck. Leaning his head closer, the raven brought his lips to Shizuo's ear.

Shizuo shivered slightly as he felt Izaya's breath on his skin. "Shizu-chan," Izaya whispered, the words barely making it through the sound of the rain, "I don't care if you kill me or not. I just want to hurt. Hurt me, Shizu-chan."

  


* * *

  


Izaya felt Shizuo's fingers tight on his throat, making the blood pump faster through his veins. _I love it,_ he thought, _I love the thrill this monster gives me, different from the humans who became boring long, long ago._ "You're able to," Izaya murmured, his hand still on the blond's neck, feeling the racing pulse just below the skin. "That's what's so special about you. _Monster._ You can kill me, much easier than a normal human. So go ahead. Show me that power of yours."

Shizuo's breathing was hoarse in Izaya's ear, and his blond hair was brushing against the raven's temple. "No," Shizuo muttered, "I'm not a monster. Stop saying that."

"Oh, but you are, Shizu-chan!" Izaya purred, moving his hand from the side of the blond's neck to the back, his fingers brushing over his spine. "Come on, kill me!"

Shizuo pushed Izaya away, his hands leaving the raven's throat, and the two stood, glaring at each other as the rain thundered down on them. "I'm not going to kill you!" Shizuo growled, fists clenched at his side. "I'm not a monster! So shut up!"

Izaya suddenly felt a wave of strange emotions pass through him. _He's defending himself…he really cares about how I think of him…he's holding onto what humanity he has…_ Random thoughts and observances popped up in the raven's mind. _He's really set on not killing me, isn't he…But why does he care so much? Why is he struggling to hold onto his humanity, if he knows how close he is to the brink?_ Izaya stared into Shizuo's eyes, struggling to predict the unpredictable monster's next moves. _Why won't he just kill me already? Haven't I already admitted defeat? What more does he want? What more does he_ need _to kill me? Where did I go wrong?_

Izaya didn't notice his knees buckled until he felt the water soaking into his pants as he kneeled, looking up at Shizuo. The rain running down his face suddenly tasted salty. "Why won't you kill me?" Izaya didn't even realize he was speaking out loud until his own words reached his ears, hoarse and broken.

Shizuo looked down at him, shock in his eyes. "What…are you…?" he mouthed silently, the roar of the rain taking away his words.

Izaya's shoulders began to shake. _Why am I shaking? Why can't I breathe?_ His chest and throat were tight—uncomfortably tight. He put a hand around his throat and gasped for air. _Am I…crying?_

  


* * *

  


Shizuo stared down at the bastard who had ruined his life, now crying on his knees for death. _What is he up to?_ Shizuo couldn't help but drop to his knees beside the raven—despite everything, somehow he felt the need to help him now, now that he was finally calling out for it.

"Izaya…" Shizuo murmured, watching the tears leak out of the other man's eyes, the violent shuddering of his shoulders, the unfamiliar way he struggled to breathe, as if he was unused to crying. The blond reached out, his hand hesitantly reaching Izaya's.

"Please," Izaya gasped out, "Why won't you kill me?" For the first time, the words hit Shizuo hard. _Kill…kill me…why won't you kill me…_ For the first time, it wasn't some stupid game. It wasn't some meaningless taunt. _He's actually..._ Acting on some strange emotion, Shizuo automatically grabbed the raven's shoulder and pulled him closer, holding him protectively, guarding his small body from the rain.

"What are you trying to do, flea?" Shizuo couldn't even fit the anger into his voice anymore. "Burden me with the responsibility of taking someone's life?" Izaya tried to pull away, but Shizuo held onto his shuddering form.

"I'm not going to kill you," he whispered, holding on tightly.

"Please," Izaya sobbed, "I did all that...all that, I did so that...so that you could kill me, and enjoy the fact...that I was dead."

Shizuo froze. "You...what?"

  


* * *

  


Izaya sunk his head down, feeling the water run off his hair and onto his face. "Why are you making this so hard for me?" he cried. _I'm trying to make this easier for both of us._

"What are you talking about?" Shizuo demanded, "You wanted me to _enjoy_ killing you? _Why?_ " Izaya sniffed, struggling to control himself. _I wish he would just hit me already…strangle me, break my ribs, kick me around like he always does. Why is he being so strange?_ "I told you," Izaya said, his voice weak from the crying and his body shivering not only from the sobs, but also from the cold chill of the rain soaking into his skin. "You needed a reason to kill me. So I gave it to you. This way, we both get what we want. Ok, Shizu-chan?"

"I don't get it..." Shizuo murmured, his voice uncertain and wavering. "What are you...saying? Why do you...want to die?" 

Suddenly Izaya felt a wave of frustration sweep through him, giving him the energy to shout his next words. "Because I love you!" he screamed, the syllables tearing themselves from his throat painfully. He curled his neck, bending his head down against Shizuo's chest to hide his face from the blond, meekly murmuring his next words. "How do you expect me to go on, Shizu-chan, knowing this? How do you think I would survive? This way...just kill me, Shizu-chan, you'll see...it'll all work out, just like I planned...You hate me because I pretend to hate you, then you can kill me, and then I don't have to worry about human things like love and you can go about your life with no regrets."

  


* * *

  


"So just kill me already," Izaya whispered, and Shizuo could barely hear the words over the rain, though it seemed to be letting up slightly, "Why do you think I came to you in the first place? Why do you think I threw away my knife? Why do you think I—I—" his voice broke off when Shizuo suddenly lifted his head and kissed him.

Shizuo was sick of the self-pitying talk. _If the bastard wants to die, he shouldn't make someone else do it for him._ He didn't know why he grabbed the raven's chin, didn't know why he felt compelled by those teary red eyes to lean forward and touch his lips to Izaya's. He just wanted to make him stop talking, stop talking about killing himself and hurting himself, because somehow that talk was hurting Shizuo, too. He wasn't quite sure how to react to the raven's confession, but because of it, a kiss seemed to be the right way to go about shutting him up for a second.

_Why is this hurting me?_ Shizuo wondered, pulling away but still tasting the warmth and softness of Izaya's lips against his own. _I thought I hated him. Why does his weakness become mine?_ He thought his ears were ringing with silence before he realized that the rain had actually stopped. The roar of the rain and thunder a few minutes prior was somehow quieter and more comforting than this strange, alien silence that pressed down on them, that forced Shizuo to feel compelled to say something just to fill the space.

"Izaya?" Shizuo whispered, taking in the blank look on the raven's face. _What is he thinking? I wish he would say something. No, I wish it were still raining so that he wouldn't have to say anything, so that I wouldn't have to say anything, so that we couldn't hear our own thoughts._ Izaya stared at Shizuo, his red eyes gleaming beautifully in the newborn sun.

"The clouds are gone." Those were the four words that fell from the raven's lips, spoken dumbly, falling like stones in the heavy air between them. Shizuo looked at him, then looked up at the sky.

"So they are," he murmured, glancing back down at Izaya.

Izaya stared back at him, blinking slowly. "You're not...mocking me, are you?" The words were spoken slowly, hesitantly, as if he didn't really want to know the answer.

Shizuo looked into those red eyes, glimmering with tears. _Maybe, those fights of what I thought was hatred...was just our own strange form of love. In our own twisted way._ "I think," Shizuo started tentatively, then cleared his throat, then started again. "I think...I don't hate you."

"Yeah..." Izaya's voice faded out, and he started again, flicking his eyes away from Shizuo's face, "So, I take it...you're not going to complete the last phase of my plan for me?"

Shizuo couldn't tell if he was joking or not, so he just shook his head no. "Well, then," Izaya went on, his voice faint. "What's our new plan?"

"Well..." Shizuo murmured. _Every second I look at this new side of him...I feel as if I could really fall in love with him._ "I guess we can start by not trying to kill each other?"

"I guess we can."

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so for this one I was really worried about how often I did POV changes...was it confusing, or did it work out in the end? Should I put labels on each, like "Izaya's POV" and "Shizuo's POV"? What would be easier to read? Let me know, I always feel like I do pretty bad with POVs...and review the story, too! 
> 
> Also, should I continue this or leave it as a one-shot?


End file.
